BARREN BY THE BAY

My Son

2010-11-15T07:42:00.010-05:00

January 23, 2010
I want to end this blog on a very positive note. On September 17, 2010, my son was born. A birth mom selected my husband and me in late July. We met her in August and were able to share several outings with her before our baby was born 10 days early. She is an amazing young woman.

DH and I were able to establish a relationship with her that we hope will last a lifetime. We send her pictures and letters monthly and will visit her at least once a year. She recently sent our son presents for Christmas. All of us have the best interest of our son at heart. What works best for him will work for all of us.

Moving forward with our plan to adopt began during my grief of miscarriages and failed cycles. My journey to become a mother took me the the very pit of hell. Most of the time I wondered how I was going to make it through the day let alone the long process of adoption. I just knew in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. My spirits were so low that I prepared myself to not bond immediately with my baby and to possibly have post-adoption depression. I was wrong on both accounts.

Seeing my son for the first time I felt joy. I felt whole. I felt normal. I was suddenly exactly were I was suppose to be. I accepted my infertility because it allowed this gorgeous little boy to enter my life.

And he was certainly worth the wait.

Happy New Year to you! Please do not give up on your dream to parent. It is amazing!

Best,
Megan
Aidan's Mom

BAD CELLS

2009-11-10T13:36:00.003-05:00

Bad Bad Bad Cells. Very Naughty Cells.

Last December, I completed the second of two consecutive FETs. Both failed. My TTC journey ended with that last low BETA.

For all of 2009, my menstrual cycles have been consistently irregular. Each period would last 15 to 20 days and consisted mostly of clots and light spotting. I don't recall how may days in between each cycle but enough to feel normal. As each period passed, I waited for my body to right itself. Up until this year I was always regular.

In September, I went to my favorite gyn and found out my lining was 6x the normal size. We scheduled a D&C for early October. Nothing to stress about right? I have been through worse. I expected my cycles to go back to normal and would have no need to see my gyn again for at least six months. I was completely unprepared for the news I received three weeks ago.

I have pre-cancer cells in my uterus. More specifically, Complex Hyperplasia without Atypia. The last part, without atypia, is very important.

I DO NOT HAVE CANCER. In fact, I have a very small chance of getting uterine cancer. There is alot of time between pre-cancer and cancer when it comes to the lining of the uterus. I will be on a synthetic progesterone for the next three months to prevent the lining from growing. I will have have another sono the end of January and I think another D&C. (I stopped listening to my doctor at some point and thought more about how I got to this crappy point in life).

All of the above I can deal with reasonably. It's the next part that has me in a panic.

If I do not respond to the meds my doctor wants to do a hysterectomy. It was at that point that the tears started flowing down my cheeks. The loss of my uterus would put the final nail in my TTC coffin. Do I think I could get pregnant at 43? No, I do not. But a part of me needs to believe that I could. That small bit of maybe is what I am using to get through my adoption wait. I just wanted to be a mother. That's all I ever wanted to be. It is hard to imagine that I haven't lost enough already. That the universe needs more from me. And, I am so tired of the fight. I am so tired of being the sick one. I was always the strong, stable one that everyone could count on. Now I am an emotional basket case.

I often wish I could be that strong woman again. I have to remind myself that one day the universe will pay me back. One day, I will be holding the baby that I was meant to parent.

For now, I pray the drug treatment will work and I am shopping around for a second opinion. I love my doctor, but I think he is taking the easy way out. I want a doctor that will be willing to fight for my last bit of womanhood. Even if it is only for my own mental health and well being.

Taking Care of Baby

2009-10-26T15:07:00.002-04:00

DH and I took a drive to NJ this weekend to attend a Baby Care class. It was given by the leader of our adoption support group.

The best thing about it was no pregnant bellies! This class is only open to people pursuing adoption. Awesome. It was only 2.5 hours long but, chock full of good parenting tips such as Must Haves for nursery, how to clean the umbilical cord, picking a pediatrician, diapering, swaddling etc. We practiced on baby dolls. DH and I got a pretty decent looking baby. Some looked more like toddlers and there was one that look liked Chu.ckie.

We had quite a few laughs and learned alot. It was a good way to pass the time because this waiting sure does suck!

Forever in my Heart

2009-10-15T16:32:00.003-04:00

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Tonight I will open the small box I decorated with sparkly butterflies and remember my son and daughter. I keep in this box all of my embryos pictures, sonograms, hospital bracelets and pathology reports from my two pregnancies.

I will read the letters I wrote to each baby telling them how proud I was to carry them in my womb even though it was only for 9 and 8 weeks. I will remember all of the hope DH and I had for our family.

Dearest little ones, you will live forever in my heart!

Cruising

2009-08-18T11:22:00.026-04:00

No, I haven't been trolling bars for a new man! DH and I are off on a cruise vacation this Saturday. (Of course, Hurricane Bill is blowing into the area). We are headed to New England and Canada from NYC. We planned for it in May and can't believe it's time to leave already.

It will be my first trip under the Verrazano Narrows bridge (VNB). I cross over it everyday to and from work. The views are stunning. It is the largest suspension bridge in the US and 8th in the world. On a clear day I can see Brooklyn, Queens, Manhanttan and parts of New Jersey. This is the bridge that the guys in Saturday Night Fever jumped off to give Annette heart failure. I know the movie is a very old reference but, hey...I almost 43!!! This movie was a big deal when I was 11. ( I am sure I wasn't allowed to see it in the movies. I probably saw it on my cousins cable box - the one with only one channel. My aunt and uncle were never home and we always watched the R rated movies).

This was also the bridge I crossed the morning of 9/11. I remember the trip perfectly. It was the most insanely beautiful day. The sun was shining and the sky was a stunning blue. As we crossed over the highest point, I could clearly see the city skyline. As I was thinking how much I love living in NYC, I was blissfully unaware of what was going to happen in less then 45 minutes. Thankfully, I was safely in my office many blocks north of ground zero but very very scared.

Here is a picture if the bridge looking toward the island I call home. I live on the bay along the left side of the picture (but not anywhere near the bridge):

Here it is at night:

However, as much as I love the VNB, I would never do this:

A tramp stamp...of a bridge...WTF was he thinking!!!

Anway, back to my vacation. The ship will hopefully make the following stops - Newport, RI where we will walk along the Cliff Walk, take a tour of Breakers, have lunch at the best burger place in town and spend the rest of the day checking out the city. Next, off to Boston for whale watching and more good eats, then to Bar Harbor for more whale watching, Acadia National Park and lobster rolls!!! I didn't get enough lobster while in Maine last month so I need more!!! Then off to St. John's and Halifax. DH set up some tours there too but, I have no idea what. He handles the booking of most of our vacations. One tour involves a hike through some waterside caves which gave me a reason to buy these land/water shoes:

However, everything could change based on Bills's path. That's ok, I'm up for the adventure!!!

06.29.09

2009-07-20T16:08:00.002-04:00

The title of this post is the date Mr. G and I officially became waiting parents with our agency! I am so excited to finally be paper pregnant!!!

My family and friends, those that know, keep asking when I will be matched. I just keep answering Christmas 2010. I pray it is sooner but, it is completely out of my control. I should be use to that state of mind by now, but I am not.

Our agency uses a post card system to notify you when your profile is shown. We received our first card on July 6th. It was for a woman that was in her 8th month. I was so excited and nervous. I kept thinking about all the work that needed to be done at home and in the office. When I calmed down a bit I realized the gal probably made her decision before I even received the card in the mail. Of course, there is a possibility we could still get the call but, I won't hold my breath.

We went to our adoption support group yesterday. I just love this group. We did have a couple in the group for a few months that were not supportive at all. I guess the leader thought so too and they were asked to find another group. The remaining four couples including DH and me get along very well. We have always liked this one particular couple who have been waiting the longest - 15 months. They finally have a match. I am so excited for them and so hopeful for my own future.

It started feeling more real when we were talking about their situation and how to handle it going forward. There has been nothing leading up to this point that has taught me how to deal with birth families, social workers, agencies, lawyers, hospital staff etc. Scary!!!

Thankfully, my group and the blog community will help me!!!

I just pulled the invisible seat belt on my lap tighter. I first buckled up when staring IVF #2. I told my husband it was going to be a very bumpy ride. And, two plus years later the bumps have only gotten worse. Only this time I can see the end of the road more clearly.

Moving Forward

2009-04-05T08:44:00.000-04:00

Decision made.

Domestic newborn open adoption it is!

I am excited and terrified all at once.

I choose adoption over donor eggs mostly because my family is very open to adoption already. My niece K was placed in my sister's arms 12 years ago in a semi-open adoption. I will only have to minimally educate my family and friends about the process of open adoption. I had alot of unresolved issues with DE and I am giving myself the option to explore it again once I become a mom.

Mr. G and I have been very busy since our final ART cycle. We interviewed several agencies, joined a support group, signed with an agency and completed our home visits. We received a draft of our home study yesterday. Our SW wrote very lovely things about us. Things that I had forgotten about during the fog of IF and ART.

And now, for the first time in my life , I can confidently say - I AM GOING TO BE A MOM!!!!

WHOO-HOO!!!

Tis' the Season

2008-12-03T12:14:00.000-05:00

The day after Thanksgiving, Mr. G and I received our first Christmas card. It was from my husband's former co-worker T. She is the gal that hooked us up with our current RE. The only doctor to ever give us a real chance to try for a baby. She got pregnant a few weeks after me last year. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage.

At first, I was very excited to receive the card. T is really a great person and her baby is absolutely gorgeous. I was looking in awe at this little baby that she and her husband created. Suddenly, an intense sadness flowed through my body. I will never be able to look at a baby and see my genetics. Why? And, why T and not me? We both endured the same grueling procedure. Why was I the unlucky one?

Later that night, I ran to the supermarket to pick up a few things and grabbed a cheesy tabloid on my way out. One of the first spreads was of Brook.e Sheil.ds and her two beautiful daughters. Again, I found myself devastated that I will never have children that share my genetics. I will never be able to look into a cubby cherub and see myself. Again, why her and not me? Why is she better than me?
Shame instantly followed.

I have failed as a woman. My body is useless.

I felt like crap for two whole days walking around angry and bitter and snapping at people who dared to cross my path. I felt so badly that I Goog.led 'angry bitter infertile' and actually found a wonderful worksheet put out by Resolve about coping with infertility. It was mostly about how family and friends can help. In the past, I have tried educating those around me about IF. It was a useless effort. Everyone treads lightly around me. No one takes a moment to say "are you really ok?". Even my Mom. I guess they are afraid I might really answer them.

BTW - My emotions are totally fueled by the progesterone and estrogen I am taking after completing my final ART procedure last week. My RE thawed my last four blasts and all were transfered. Here I wait to see if this time might finally be my time. I am doubtful but, I am only admitting that here. To anyone else that knows about my transfer I am the picture of positivity!!! Because you know that positive thoughts will get any gal pregnant. Right.

This holiday season I am sending out a photo card for the first time. While in Alaska, Mr. G and I took a picure in front of the Hubbar.d Glacier. Well, truth be told, we took a ton of pictures in front of the glacier praying that one would be nice enough to grace a card. Thankfully one did. Cran.es has some pretty digital image cards. It came out really well and I can't wait to send it to our friends and family. I figure if I have to endure looking at other people's kids I might as well let them see what life looks like without children!

Feelin' Good

2008-11-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

From the words sung by the late great Nina Simone...

It's a new dawn,

It's a new day,

It's a new life for me...

And, I'm feelin' good!!!

Congratualtions to our President Elect Barak Obamba

FET #1

2008-10-20T13:47:00.001-04:00

So over a month ago, the day before my 42nd birthday, my RE transfered four thawed embryos into my uterus. It was the four from my IVF #3 in May. My RE and embryologist both agreed these four were better than the four I have from IVF #2.

After I miscarried last summer, my RE encouraged me to hold these embryos and do IVF #3. At the time, he felt I should hold the embryos in case I wanted a sibling for the baby I was for sure going to have after another fresh cycle. Well, we know how IVF #3 turned out. And, here I am down to my last four embryos. Happy Eff'ing Birthday.

My first BETA after FET #1 came back at 6.7. It was heartbreaking. Thankfully, it just went down from there so the end was swift. This was the first cycle I ever POAS so it wasn't surprising. I just wished it were my time. I just wished my story was "gee...all my tests were negative but, it worked anyway...haha...ain't life grand". Not this time sweetie. You must suffer longer.

Today, I started my Lu.pron injections for FET #2. I had been holding off for many months doing any offical grief work until now. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. My therapist thinks it's time. She says I need a new plan before this cycle is over.

My GYN wants me to see a different doctor that uses PGD. I am very torn. Technically, IVF worked for me twice. I just had bad eggs. I would love my own genetic child but, I just can't put myself through anymore trauma. I am guessing if I see a new RE, I would have to emotionally commit to at least two cycles. I don't think I can do that. Even with PGD it is just a chance at pregnancy. I never was a gambler so why am I torturing myself. The odds are against me.

Two weeks ago, my therapist left me with a question to ponder...

How much loss can you bear?

It gave me alot to think about.

High and Lows

2008-09-29T12:55:00.000-04:00

Summer started terribly with my second miscarriage over Memorial Day weekend. Mr. G and I then headed up to VT to spend July 4th with my sister K and her family. We all get along fabulously despite a huge age difference between us and her hubbie. Oh...and he is alot wealthier than us too. Our chemistry works and we all had a really nice long weekend together. My sister's kids are really cool.

On the job front, I was finally able to stop obsessing over personal problems and get some work done. I had been busy with a project for the past year and a half and it was finally coming to an end. One of my teammates was a new guy that had been really f'ing up the entire time. It was very stressful. Really awful actually. However, the job ended beautifully and the clients were as happy as can be.

Later in July, Mr. G and I headed up to Lake George, NY for our friends G&A's wedding. They had asked Mr. G to become a non-denominational minister to perform the ceremony. G&A rented a stunning Victorian house on the lake that slept 25 and a boat for us to sail around. Their hope was that we would all spend the week with them. Unfortunately, I had to leave about three hours after the wedding to catch a train in Albany to be at work to complete the project mentioned above. There were still drunk ass guests sitting on the porch at 3am when I left. I was so jealous. I just wanted to stay with Mr. G and our friends and enjoy the good time. It wasn't fair but, I have a responsibility to my job. This damn friggin' job that I thought I would have left by now to raise my child. Anyway, it was great to be away at an event were children were not the center of attention. Our few friends with kids were so happy to be away that none of them wanted to talk about their lives. Mr. G and I felt normal. It was sooo pleasant.

In the meantime, my co-worker A who was pregnant after 5+ years of infertility gave birth at 24 weeks. She suffered placenta abruption and required an emergency c-section. Little D weighed less than a pound but, was a fighter. Every day, and every week was a milestone. At first, her parents were so distraught not knowing how to care for such a little girl in such distress. I remember the day it finally hit A that she was a mom and was going to do whatever she needed to do to make sure her daughter had a great life. Two days later, after four weeks on this earth, little D passed away. My co-worker and her husband were and still are devastated. Each day is a struggle. I cried so hard when I heard the news. I just wanted A to be finally happy. Now she has to deal with an even more devastating loss than IF. I remember two times during her pregnancy when I felt that jealousy burning in me by seeing her. Both times I had to remind myself that she deserved to be happily pregnant. I always supported her throughout and have since. She had a memorial service at her church and Mr. G insisted he go with me. It is just so heartbreaking.

Mr. G and I finally made it to our Alaskan cruise. The land and wildlife are breathtaking. I made sure I enjoyed every single moment. At one point, while hanging off the back of a catamaran after seeing about 15 humpback whales in the water around Juneau I realized how lucky I was. I may not have a child yet but, I will one way or the other. I have a great husband and together we can afford these amazing adventures. IF can really tear apart every aspect of your life. At some point, you go through a phase were you can't find happiness anywhere. You are miserable at home so you go to work and find that you are no longer satisfied there either. You lose touch with family and friends because they don't get you anymore. IF is so debilitating. This trip was exactly what I needed. Here are some photo's.

The last photo is a humpback whale feeding on something near the surface of water.

This and That

2008-06-08T16:54:00.000-04:00

Phew...it has been a long time because honestly, I have had nothing to say. To anyone. I have just been internalizing all that has happened to me. The miscarriage is over and I managed the pain well. Self-protection is the phrase of the day!!!

**********

One of my co-workers has resigned to pursue fertility treatments. I am slightly envious. I have wished many times over the past year to be able to stop work and stay in bed all day. Especially, the weeks after a loss. But, I have to say that there were just as many times that I couldn't be home alone and going to work was a godsend.

**********

DH and I booked a cruise to Alaska for August. Originally, we wanted to go to Paris. I have been there already and just couldn't see spending a ton of money on a place I have been to. Maybe next year when the economy is better. Neither of us have been to Alaska and we can't wait. DH has wanted to go since he was little and has already book our excursions. We will be cruising the glaciers and whale watching. We are both wrecked emotionally and need a major break.

**********

I just read An Empty Lap by Jill Smolowe. She is a journalist that adopted a daughter from China after infertility in the late 90's. I loved it and finished it in nearly a day. She was very honest about her depression and marital problems. Her husband was a very reluctant spouse. Ms. Smolowe's writing style was similar to Peggy Orenstein in Waiting for Daisy.

**********
We had our follow up visit with the RE. This miscarriage was also chromosomal - Trisomy 4. He knows of no live birth with this abnormality. We discussed our next step which is FET. The RE also mentioned...wait for it...

donor egg!

Gasp...gasp...sigh...sigh.

I will post more details later!

ANGRY UTERUS

2008-05-30T07:12:00.000-04:00

My uterus is pissed. She does not like being messed with at all.

The cramping began Wednesday night nice and calmly. Ad.vil worked until early this morning. Around 1:30 am, I needed to bring in the big guns - Controlled Substances!!! I made it through the night but, I hardly slept. I guess I am too much of a control freak for drugs like Vi.codin.

I just have to keep remembering this too shall pass.

*******************************************************************

A couple of weeks ago when I was still pregnant, JulieS of Life After Infertility & Loss nominated me for the Pink Rose Award. She seemed to find my blog at precisely the right time. She understands the huge loss of a pregnancy regardless of how early it happens. Loss is loss.

I would like to pass this award to the following ladies:

Babe of A Long Winding Road - After her devastating 1st trimester loss of twins, she now has to say goodbye to her furbaby Sammie. I am a mother to my own furbaby who has helped me get through my own losses. My heart goes out to her and her husband.

Mrs. J of In Our Own Weird Way - After several miscarriages and a canceled IVF she is now weeks away from bringing home her Lil' Pumpkin from China. I admire her decision to walk away from IVF and find resolution through adoption.

The rules are as follows:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else

IT'S OVER

2008-05-28T07:13:00.000-04:00

D&C completed yesterday. Thankfully, the hospital my RE is affiliated with has an ambulatory center. I did not have to see one pregnant woman!!! - Yahoo!!! I choose to have my GYN handle my first D&C because I have a better relationship with him. He is a people person and knows exactly what to say in a crisis. This time around I knew what to expect so I decided to give the RE a try. It went fine.

At first, I was pissed because he told us to get to the hospital at 10:30 am only to find out the appointment was at 12:30 with the procedure at 2:00. It turned out he had another surgery in the hospital's General OR that took longer than expected. He finally called the center at 11:30 to say he would be arriving by 12:30. There was another woman waiting before me that had a whole host of problems. Her surgery was expected to take 1.5 to 2.5 hours. Yikes...I was ready to run. There was no way I could sit there another 2 hours at least. I keep a cool head and let my doctor come to his own conclusion that the schedule didn't make sense. So I was bumped up. I felt horrible for the other woman because she had been there before me and waited longer for the doctor but, it would only delay her surgery by no more than 20 minutes. Phew...She was ok with that and I told her I was very sorry. I left recovery around 2:30 and she was still in the OR. That poor gal!!!

DH and I are doing fairly well. I won't say the second miscarriage is easier because I am probably still under the influence of drugs and pregnancy hormones. The nightmare is yet to come. My body and head don't like the hormone adjustment. I typically go to a very dark place that has no room for optimism or hope. But, I do pull through eventually. Hope does return. That bitch!!!

DH and I are trying to guess who will announce their pregnancy next. It never fails when I am either cycling or having a miscarriage we get a phone call from someone with their big news. We are definitely feeling the defeat of IF. I expect my old infertile friend that I posted about on April 7, 2008, to send me her birth announcement soon telling me how glorious motherhood is and that hopefully I will get the chance too. Whatever witch!!!

Mr. G and I have decided to take the summer off. We have my husband's best friend's wedding in late July. DH was asked to become a minister to officiate the ceremony. He felt very honored. The wedding will take place on Lake George with a lobster bake afterwards. Our friend rented a huge house on the lake for all of his close friends. Unfortunately, we cannot stay all week because of a work obligation I have which really sucks. So Mr. G and I decided to take a luxury vacation in August. We are looking into Paris right now but, the dollar sucks so bad. It probably won't hold us back but, we started pricing the airfare and hotel and we are at $4,500. I have no problem paying money for a nice hotel but, I resent the cost of airfare. It is so much money but, we are still shopping around. We both need a major break from all that has happened to us.

I think by September, I will be ready to start a FET. I am not looking forward to Lu.pr.on injections. I have never been on it and I hear such terrible stories. My RE says it isn't so bad because usually he will add estrogen and progesterone after seven days. But, he has never taken it personally so what does he know. I also worry that it will just result in another miscarriage. I am hoping we find the one good egg or it ends in a BFN. I don't want the in between.

I am done with being a little pregnant.

NO HEARTBEAT

2008-05-24T08:27:00.000-04:00

Our ultra sound on Friday confirmed that the little one is gone. No spotting. No cramping. Just a motionless spot on the screen. We have a D&C scheduled for this Tuesday. It sucks that this had to happen before a holiday weekend. I just want it over with. We had no warning with our first miscarriage. We found out on a Monday and by Wednesday the procedure was done. In a small way we were lucky. There weren't any births occurring that night while were at the hospital. I didn't even see a pregnant woman walking around the halls. I was the only person in recovery.

What are the chances I will have that good fortune again? It is very devastating to make a woman go to labor and delivery to have her baby sucked out of her. I considered for a very brief moment of just letting the pregnancy pass naturally. But, then I came to my senses! I have been through enough. This time around I found out it is easier finding out the baby is gone rather than the baby is going. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long. I know there are women out there with worse stories. Some woman aren't even offered the choice of a D&C. Lucky me!

I went to work on Thursday and Friday just to keep myself distracted. My husband couldn't take off and I did not want to be home alone. I am close to a few of my co-workers and they offered me their shoulders to cry on. My boss was choking back the tears and told me to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself. He has been aware of every procedure we have done in the past year. He also lets me leave early every other Monday to attend my infertility support group. He doesn't let anyone leave early. My co-worker Sean sent me a beautiful arrangement of roses, hydrangeas and calla lilies. I greatly appreciate any acknowledgement of our loss. Most people don't understand how significant this is for us.

Thankfully, I have this blog and all of you to support me through this awful time. I want to give a special thanks to JulieS of Life after Infertility & Loss of for awarding the Pink Rose to me. She definitely understands the sad place I am in right now. I promise Julie I will be back to regular blogging and will post a proper thank you very soon. (Note: I am a bit of a tech-tard and really have to work out the cut/paste, links etc).

DH and I chose to enjoy this beautiful weekend despite the sadness. The weather in NYC is gorgeous. On Friday night, we took the dog to the beach that is two blocks from our house to watch the sunset. Saturday night we went to the Jersey shore for a delicious seafood dinner. DH had lazy lobster over asparagus risotto and I had pan seared grouper over forbidden rice and roasted fennel. We took a stroll along the ocean afterwards. Yesterday, we chose to not go to a family party and instead we headed to the Botanical Garden in the Bronx. It was just lovely. We really appreciated the good time.

Next weekend, I will be curled up in a ball dealing with the intense cramping I get after the procedure. Pass the Vic.odin please!!! I am too frail right now to deal with any physical pain. And, I will need all my energy to deal with the emotional pain that has yet to hit me.

IT'S ALMOST OVER

2008-05-22T14:01:00.000-04:00

Those were not my doctor's exact words but, that is what we are facing right now. The little one failed to grow in the past week. We still have a faint heartbeat and will have another scan tomorrow. DH and I have to wait until the heart ceases in order to move forward with the D&C.

My nightmare continues. I will write more later in between the tears!!!

We Got the Beat!!!

2008-05-15T11:56:00.000-04:00

Everybody get on your feet!!!

We haven't heard it yet but, it was there in the normal range. Whoo-hoo!!!

Phew...DH and I had no idea what to expect when we arrived at the RE's office. We were so relieved to see the flutter on the screen. I just want to wake up tomorrow and have the next five weeks past!!! My doctor wants me to switch to oral progesterone and I told him I wasn't ready yet! I remember when I dreaded those nasty butt shots and now I can't let go. I have about four days of oil left so I am going to finish it off. In my last pregnancy, I got to the point where I thought the progesterone was the only reason I was still pregnant. On one hand, I am afraid to truly embrace this pregancy because it may end at any moment but, on the other hand I want to scream it from the mountain top!!!

I have more to say but, work is kicking my ass today!

6 Weeks and One Day

2008-05-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

We went for our first ultrasound yesterday. We have a pregnancy! Unfortunately, we do not have a heartbeat...yet. As the nurse prepped us, she told us not to expect to hear one. There would be a small chance that we would but, that it was still early. The doctor made the same statement when he started the exam. I had to keep my eyes closed the entire time. My husband and I were sick with worry.

I heard the doctor turn on the doppler and did not hear the recognizable swoosh swoosh of the heartbeat. I was so sad but, the doctor told me so far so good. The nurse told DH and I it was time to breathe again. I have a couple of large fibroids and he explained that the tissue reflects the sound of the u/s making it difficult to hear anything else. After he said this I remembered we had the same problem the last time. As my RE left the room, he told me that he did expect to hear a heartbeat next week.

Uh...ok...I'll get right on that sir!!!

Nothing New

2008-05-05T13:26:00.000-04:00

I haven't been blogging because I can't think of anything except my ultrasound this Wednesday. With my first pregnancy, I was very cocky at this point and told so many people that I was pregnant. This time around, I don't even believe I am pregnant. I am afraid to say or write about what I am feeling or not feeling. I don't want to jinx myself and I am not even supersitious!!!

I really appreciate all of your kind comments!!! Bloggers are keeping me sane!!!

OMG...

2008-05-01T16:49:00.000-04:00

Today's BETA is 911 !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't believe it!! I will have my first ultrasound next Wednesday, May 7th. I am still praying that there is a sac with a yolk implanted in a good place!!!!

Blood Test #2

2008-04-25T17:00:00.000-04:00

Today's BETA = 45

The doctor said he was very happy with that number. So, why am I still worried?!

I will continue taking the progesterone and estrogen. My third BETA is on May 1st. I really appreciate all of your well wishes. It is hard to be joyful when I know how early it is and how much I have to lose. I am still pretty calm though. I had a bit of a breakdown the night before first BETA. My husband, on the other hand, has been a disaster for weeks. I think because he has been such a nervous wreck I am feeling more in charge. My household can't handle two out of control freaks.

Results

2008-04-23T15:52:00.000-04:00

BETA = 26.2

I am praying that my next test on friday is over 50. Stay tuned!!!

A Few Good Eggs

2008-04-16T13:23:00.001-04:00

So, what does egg quality mean anyway? Two IRL infertiles that are younger than me are now nursing their newborns at home. Both got pregnant after me with just mediocre eggs. There are other friends too. All around 30 years old. My doctor was always proud of the eggs that I produced but, that hasn't gotten me a child. How can beautiful text book quality eggs just fall flat? Old eggs that's how!!!

My husband wanted to play the odds this time around and put four back. He figured it was better to get pregnant with multiples and let nature sort things out. His hope was that we would end up with the one good egg in the batch. The only problem was my RE said he would not freeze three embryos (one of which wasn't as good as the others). I would have had to discard two seemingly great embryos. I just refused do it. I realize now if I just kicked and screamed alittle he probably would have. It is just hard to think of every possible detail while dressed in a paper gown in a cold OR.

I can only hope for the best and figure out the worse later.

Speechless...

2008-04-15T17:07:00.000-04:00

I transferred three blasts on day five. And, I will hopefully freeze four.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would make it to a day five transfer.

NINE FOLLIES!!!

2008-04-10T11:14:00.000-04:00

Great news! My ER went really well yesterday. The nurse told us to be there at 12:30PM. The appointment was really 1PM and the doctor didn't show up until 2PM. This lateness in my last cycle would have thrown me over the edge. This time, I was totally cool.

The anesthesiologist took me in shortly after 1PM and started getting me ready. She could do everything but, start the drugs. We kept each other company by telling stories. It turns out my RE helped the OR nurse get pregnant. She is now 16 weeks. I believe she said it took three ivf's. I decided she was my good luck charm this cycle!

I thank you all for your great words about my cycle and ho-bag former friend!!! As I was driving to work on Monday, I made the decision to remove her from my life. She was more than halfway out the door anyway. A long time ago, I had decided it was better to keep friends by working through hards issues than to lose them. As a teenager and into my 20's, I would often ditch people who stressed me. I really wanted to be mature and fair and keep friends around even if I couldn't trust them as I once did. We all need friends for different reasons, right?!!!!.

Anyhow, this girl will be easy to let go. She only cares about herself and now she only has herself!!!

Good-bye A, you're not worthy!!!

Not Fully Cooked!!!

2008-04-07T13:02:00.000-04:00

Went to RE on Saturday and he said I wasn't ready yet. This will be the longest I have gone before trigger. I went for more tests today so I should know this afternoon. We have at least eight follies growing at a steady rate.

I was feeling great until 5PM yesterday.

Short Version: Fertile women suck!!!

Long Version: I have been friends with A for over 15 years. She was in my wedding party. We were great friends up until then. I got married a few weeks after A's niece. At the time, A wasn't dating anyone and was in dire financial straits. That's what happens when you don't want to work and love to wear designer clothes. Everytime we hung out she would be wearing a new pair of Manolos. I always asked her how she managed and she told she had plenty of money in the bank.

Anyway, in the months leading up to my wedding she confessed she had spent all her money and had no more room on her credit cards. She wasn't very pleasant during my bridal shower. We did have a minor heart to heart before my big day and she apologized. She confessed to being jealous that I was getting married.

After the wedding, we started hanging out less and less. She was still single and wanted to go clubbing all the time. I just wanted to go home to be with Mr.G. We had started TTC right away and within months I knew we had a problem. I definately stopped hanging out with most of my friends at this point.

After IVF #1 failed, I told A how depressed I was feeling. She told me to be thankful I had a great husband. Ummm...what does that have to do with my failed cycle. During my IVF #2, I told her how anxious I was about the cycle. She asked me if I was "obsessing" too much. I asked her if I had cancer would she make the same comment. At that point, I was done with her.

In September, she called me to tell me her sister was getting a divorce after struggling with IF for many years. I told her I miscarried a few weeks prior and she seemed genuinely upset for me. Of course, I wasn't anxious to call her anytime soon after that. We would randomly exchange short emails her and there. Once she phoned and I did not take her call.

A few weeks ago, she emailed me that she really wanted to talk to me. It took until yesterday to finally make the connection. I truly regret talking to her.

She is 33 weeks pregnant!!!!!!!!

She got pregnant right after I miscarried. I had to ask her who the father was since she still isn't officially with anyone. It is with a guy she has been seeing off and on over the years. Mostly off. The guy asked her to terminate the pregnancy and she said no. I don't blame her since she just turned 40. She figured this was her only chance to get pregnant. It turns out, she misled the guy into thinking she couldn't get pregnant. Now, the guy is older than her and certainly is at fault too. He stopped talking to her for many months. She planned on taking care of everyting herself until a few weeks ago when she figured out a baby is expensive. She wants him to contribute financially and they are now seeing a mediator to work out a plan. Her family is freaking out. 7 out of 9 siblings have stopped talking to her.

This guy has treated her terribly over the years. I feel badly that she is all alone but, she got exactly what she wanted. And, I am so pissed!!!! Here I am doing everything right and I can't have a baby. She can barely take care of herself and now has been given the gift of life. THIS FRIGGIN' BLOWS.

I couldn't sleep because there was a knot in my chest all night. I am so angry and bitter right now!!!! Every cycle, I have to deal with pregnancy annoucements and births. I can't get a break. I told my friend A that I was very happy for her but, very angry that she would wait so long to tell me. I just don't have any kind words for her right now. Fertiles suck!!!

And to top it off, my husband slept soundly next to me and woke up singing this morning!!!

So I have to ask, where is the fairness in this world???!!!

Current Worries

2008-04-02T15:54:00.000-04:00

I am still relatively calm about this cycle but, of course my mind is still playing tricks on me. My current worries are:

A. This cycle will not work. This is my last insured cycle and I am not ready for the next step.

B. This cycle will work but, I will miscarry. I do not want to re-live the agony from last summer/fall.

C. This cycle will work and I will deliver a healthy live baby and love the experience so much I will suffer from secondary IF.

I hate being out of control. My mind gets jammed up with irrational worries and fears to try to control the situation. The above list is what I am currently focusing my attention on. I have many other random racing thoughts.

And yet, I am excited about this cycle!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I guess when you have hit rock bottom a few times the surroundings aren't so scarey anymore. I see living through this torture the past year as a great accomplishment. Loss, failure, grief, gain, loss, failure, agony. Only a strong woman could keep picking herself up and starting all over again. Not that I wanted this experience but, I know one day I will celebrate the strength I gained.

I started Cetrotide this morning and have more blood and sono tomorrow. It won't be long now!

CD 6 - Already!!!

2008-03-31T13:16:00.000-04:00

AF arrived on 3/26 and I started stimming on the 28th. I am taking 525 Gonal-F and three powders of Menopur. I am doing good so far but, I have only been injecting for three days. Mr. G and I timed it last night and the mixing and injecting is no more than five minutes. I remember how we labored over the injections with our first cycle. The whole processed seemed endless and my anxiety level was sky high. Now, the time just flys by.

The last time I felt like this my IVF cycle was a bust (December). I don't know what I will do if that happens this time too. I am so over treatments but, not ready to give up my genetic link. I am also not looking forward to another miscarriage. I am thinking positively but, so far I have fallen on the down side of the statistics. It is hard to be hopeful.

Thankfully, work has been keeping me distracted. I also went to VT this weekend. My BIL had a 50th birthday party for my sister K. Mr. G and I drove up with my Mom and my brother G went also. It was planned at the last minute so I couldn't get any additional time off from work. I will need a day or two off next week for the ER/ET anyway. The party was at a local inn and the room and food were great. There is still a ton of snow up there. The area received 6" on Friday night which was enough to get us stuck in her driveway. She lives on a mountain ridge and the road up is steep. We were close enough I could see the top of the house. Next thing I knew the car was sliding backwards. We backed up all the way down and my BIL picked us up at the bottom. She lives about six hours from me but, the trip is so worth it. My family had a great time together. Mr. G wants to move up there. I am not sure if I could survive the long winters. Although, it would be great to live closer to K and her family.

My other sister J is a bit of a whack-o so I avoid her completely. Thankfully, she lives down south and has no money to travel. She called my brother and asked to use his credit card so she could go to K's party. G said no way. J has a long history with managing funds poorly which is why she now lives in a borrowed trailer with not a dime to her name and a loser husband. She never wanted to work so this is where her life choices have lead her. The other four of us have always worked really hard and have nice lives. She can't understand why she doesn't. Oh well, not my concern.

Some good IF news. My friend E received a BFP yesterday on her second IVF. She suffered a horrible stillbirth last summer a couple of weeks before my miscarriage. It has been a long hard road for her and me. I hope I can be pregnant again with her but, I will always be there for her.

I have blood and sono tomorrow. I hope my ovaries are waking up and doing what I need them to do.

Oooh Oooh Oooh What a Little Cardio Can Do!!!!

2008-03-13T17:20:00.000-04:00

My anxiety has driven me back to a cardio workout. Nothing crazy. I extended my dog walk in the morning by ten minutes. Lil'G is sooo happy about that. I have also ditched the elevator at work for the stairs. I think I counted 96 steps once. Just that little bit of cardio has helped my mood tremendously. My racing thoughts are not as loud or as frequent. One of my co-workers, L, just started seeing a shrink. Yes, I do work in a mental house. The funny thing is we all actually get along and like each other. We aren't all the best of friends but, everyone enjoys working together. It is mostly our boss and clients that has us all teetering on the edge. Anyway, the shrink explained to L about the need to release stress everyday. If you can't let that internal scream out by yelling your head off, you should just take a walk, run, clean the house, dance...whatever. It does help!!! But, I did know this already. I just needed to be reminded because sitting on my big ass is so much easier!!!!

Feelin' All Kinds of Crazy

2008-03-07T12:10:00.000-05:00

Sometime last week, I started feeling really badly. You know, more than the feeling bad that has become normal since IF moved into my world. I have been waking up at 3:00 AM every day with racing thoughts about everything. I am anxious, depressed, fearful, crampy and very angry. Here is what is going on with me:

1. I am infertile.

2. I was suppose to give birth to my first child this month. I knew getting through this month would be hard but, I was not prepared for the grief. That is one tough emotion. I had dinner a few nights ago with my friend E who lost her twins at 21.5 weeks not long before my miscarriage. She is also doing a cycle now. It is good to have someone who understands all the pain and suffering. Although, I wish neither of us were in this position.

3. BCP's suck. I have never faired well on the pill. My hormones were not meant to be manipulated. I get very bitchy and angry. I cringe everytime I put one in my mouth at night. But, I have to move forward and get through this cycle. It is probably the only chance I have for pregnancy. So here, I am facing my last fresh IVF cycle unsure what to do if it doesn't work.

4. My job is insane. Now is the worst possible time to cycle but, I won't have any significant down time until July/August. I had no choice but to dive right in and go for it. I literally get woozy when I get to work now. I use to be able to power my way through all the stress and get the job done. I was even challenged by 11th hour struggles. I had a great reputation for being a hard worker that can handle just about anythng. We work in teams and people have always requested me first. Now my lack of concentration is starting to show...gulp...! But, everyone around me is also stressed. Nearly all my co-workers are on Xan.ax or anti-d's. I have co-workers who are heavy alcoholics that show up to work late stinking to high heaven. One coworker even use to take naps under his desk in the middle of the day (and he wasn't one of the drunks). One gal just had surgery for TM.J. How do I find inspiration and comfort in this mental house???!!!!

I guess, even having one of the above issues is enough to throw anyone over the edge. I have to keep channeling my inner strengh and pray everthing will work out ok. Here's to another 7+ weeks of utter insanity!!!!!!

It's a New Day!!!

2008-02-28T17:34:00.000-05:00

Got period.

Called RE.

FSH tomorrow.

Start pill Sunday.

Stop pill March 23rd.

Onto IVF #3 (I hope because the last time I wrote IVF #3 it was converted to IUI).

Of course, I am excited and scared shitless all at once. I just love duality. I was alittle disappointed when AF arrived today. Well more like very disappointed. After all these years trying, I still hope for that miracle cycle when pregnancy occurs naturally. I don't obsess every twitch and twinge like I use to but, I still fantasize getting knocked up the old fashioned way - just Mr. G and me.

I have my fingers crossed that this cycle will be similar to the second one. I don't know if I could take another conversion. I somewhat reluctantly headed back to my acupuncturist. It was one of the things I did not do my last cycle. I am happy to see her again. She is such a doll. I just hate spending the money. I cut out the 30 minute massage so now I will pay $75.00 plus the herbs. One day this will all be a distant memory and I won't care about the silly details.

I head home tonight to sort through my big o'box of meds to see what I need. I only used the the big guns for the last cycle. Everything else is ready to go.

I remember when Thursdays meant Happy Hour with friends!!! Now, it's just me and my meds!!!

Vacation Over - Booooo!!!!

2008-02-26T15:21:00.000-05:00

New Orleans was amazing!!! It was so great to be off from work with my husband hanging out and touring such a gem of a place. LOVED IT!!! Alot of the locals even thanked us for supporting their city. We stayed in the French Quarter on Bourbon Street. Ok - the street was a bit skanky at first but, it grew on me. We did all the traditional NOLA things - listened to live jazz, drank Hurricanes, toured two cemetaries, ate raw oysters, po' boys, muffuletas and beignets (of course not at the same time although I am sure that would be amazing), and took the trolley to Garden District and toured the beautiful homes. We ate dinner at five of the top restaurants in the city. We also had breakfast at Brenn.ans that included Bana.nas Fos.ter. We walked for hours practically everywhere. It really helped me to shake my bad mood. Note to self - get on the friggin' treadmill!!!

Anyway, the only thing that made me feel better about leaving such a great place was going home to my dog, Lil' G. I just love her so much. I truly feel that she has helped me get through this IF nightmare. It is important to have something to nurture. It could be a person, animal, garden - whatever. Just something to tend to and care for. We found her at a shelter nearly three years ago on Mother's Day. I had seen her picture on a website and just had to meet her. My husband was hesitant at first but, when he met her in person he was the first to say we'll take her.

Isn't she sweet -

I was so anxious to get home and pick her up at the dog sitter, B. Usually, when I see Lil'G whether I have been away for days or minutes, she goes nuts. Well, she was so so not happy to see me on Sunday!!! I think she prefers B and her family!!! I mean I can't blame her. B is a stay at home Mom with two boys, two dogs, and a cat. She was also watching three other dogs. Her children love my dog and spent the week taking 98 pictures of her. B. even let Lil'G sleep with one of her sons!!!

She called me the next day and told me her boys want to trade one of their dogs for my dog! Lil'G just seemed so sad to come back home. Mr. G and I have very little action at our house. We both work and their aren't any kids around. We each take Lil'G on a walk each day. And, I always dedicate time when I get home from work to just play with her. Usually she sits on my lap at the end of the night and we watch tv together. Nothing!!! It was such a sad homecoming!!!

But, of course, I'll get over it and Lil'G will come around. I am sure by the time I get home tonight she'll be doing her usual back flips!!! I hope!

And Sheeeeee's Off!!!

2008-02-15T12:54:00.000-05:00

I am leaving tomorrow for New Orleans for the rest of the week. I am really looking forward to pretending to not be infertile for alittle while. I really want to brigde the small gap between Mr. G and me. All is well but, it is sometimes hard to stay close to my hubby when my brain is overwhelmed with thoughts about IF.

My desk at work is a mess and it is going to stay that way. This is so not like me. I usually kick into high gear a week or so before a trip to avoid any issues popping up for my boss or co-workers. I just can't concentrate the way I use to. I was stressed about this earlier this week and right now I don't care. I'll be back to handle whatever mess occurs. My desk could be perfect and my boss would still find a problem to bitch about. So...fuck it!!!!

Oh yeah...My Uterus...

2008-02-10T20:59:00.000-05:00

The test went well last Thursday. My fibroid near my cervix is dying. Thankfully, it never was a problem anyway. It just likes to give me a ton of pain. The test wasn't horrible but, I had pelvic spasms for two days afterwards.

I have the all clear to start another fresh cycle with my next period. I told the doctor on his way out of the exam room that I better not fall through the cracks this cycle. He is great. I just think his head nurse is overwhelmed and could use some help. I learned in my last cycle that I need to manage my care and not leave it up to the professionals.

My co-worker, A, received a positive BETA on friday. It was her fifth cycle and long deserved. I was very happy for her and a bit sad for me. When I told my hubbie, he became more hopeful for us. He said if A could succeed after the hell she went through than we could too. I wish I could have his optimism! I keep telling him that as long as he remains positive, I have no choice but to be negative. You know, ying/yang, the balance of life.

My shoulders are tired of carrying the reality of our situation. But, I am working on being more positive. I really am. I tried to go back to acupuncture this weekend. It turns out my Dr. was away in China. Now I am going away this weekend for a week. As soon as I get back to NYC, I will start again. It will be just in time for my next cycle.

I seem to be running out of coping techniques. Thank god for this blogging community.

I've Been Tagged!!!

2008-02-10T19:43:00.000-05:00

Lori at Weebles Wobblog and Melanie at The Baby Chase tagged me. It's my first time!!! I'm a virgin all over again.

Anyway, here are the rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I was fearing the day I would be tagged for several reasons. A. I am not interesting. B. I had no idea how to link other peoples blogs within a post (thanks Mr. G for helping) turns out to be pretty easy. C. I don't know enough people to tag!!! Gulp...

2. I have a degree in Interior Design and work for a chic designer in NYC. I just can't seem to decorate my own house. I have lived here nearly four years and my walls and floors are bare. I painted my LR/DR walls four times before finally making the right choice. Paint ain't cheap!!!

3. I am a bit of a pack rat/hoarder. I love to hang onto things on the off chance I might need them one day. If I don't have a proper storage spot for something, I jam it into a drawer or closet. I cannot properly hang up coats in my front hall closet because of all the crap. Every room has more than one junk drawer but, I am not embarrassed by this. I love finding little treasures hidden all over the place.

4. I love to eat candies like M&M's and Skittles in color groups. I sort through the bag first and eat the majority first.

5. I cannot cook. I don't even have one signature dish like pasta. If dinner is left up to me, I order in or serve cereal. I love breakfast at dinner time!!! Thankfully, Mr. G is an amazing cook and hasn't grown tired of the daily chore. He even does all the grocery shopping. The only shopping left up to me is the paper goods and cleaning supplies. He has no interest in housekeeping. But, hey no one is perfect.

6. Only a handful of people know this about me, and not necessarily my closest family or friends - I love the soap opera General Hospital. I having been watching it since my pre-teens years and make sure I record it daily to watch at night. Cheesy I know. Sometimes, I even can't stand myself and tune out but, I always go back and find that I haven't missed very much.

So, I hope you gals don't mind me tagging you - Freyjia at We Are What We Repeatedly Do, Swim at The Long Challenging Road, and Cindy Nguyen at Baby in the Making (we Hope)!

Test Day Tomorrow!!!

2008-02-06T15:48:00.000-05:00

I have my something something sonogram tomorrow. I have such a hard time remembering the name and how to pronounce it. Yes, Baby Chaser, the kind that requires a saline filled balloon up the hoo-hoo. Good times! It's great to know another woman will be subjected to the same torturous procedure at almost the same time as me.

So, here's to all the Stirrup Queens tomorrow with their legs in the air!!!
We should all queefed at the same time!!!

I am taking the day off to get myself all pretty!!! Wink wink!!!

New Orleans, Here I Come!!!

2008-02-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

Only 12 more days to go till I leave for NO. I am really excited about this trip. I haven't been away since August 2006. Yes, that's correct 2006. In 2007, Mr. G and I went on a few weekend trips but, our big vacation was canceled since I had a miscarriage on day one. Thankfully, I was still in NY when it happenend.

I certainly have issues with putting my life on hold while dealing with treatments. I should have found a new job, gone on more vacations, purchased more clothes, fixed the house, gone out with friends more, gone out with family more - yadda yadda yadda. You know the deal. We all do this at some point during our IF. I am hoping this vacation will jump start a new attitude.

I have been feeling very grumpy lately all related to IF. I haven't been posting because not a thing is going on in my life right now. My therapist said I need a hobby or two to keep me busy. I just can't figure out what to do. I tried taking a knitting class but, it was canceled. I dusted off the treadmill and haven't looked at it since. Work is insanely busy but, offers no challenges. Par-umpf!!! That's why I desperately need this trip. It will help keep me afloat! Cause baby I am drowning!!!

A dear friend of mine, E, had a stillbirth a few weeks before my miscarriage. It was devastating. She lost twins at 21.5 weeks. Six weeks after, E found out she required a D&C. During the procedure her uterus was preforated. All was ok so E moved onto a FET in December which failed. Her doctor thought she had scar tissue from the D&C. So, she underwent surgery to remove it all. This got me worried about my own D&C. I don't want to do my last insured fresh cycle only to find out scar tissue prevented implantation. So, this week I am off to RE to do a hysterosonogram (HSN).

I had two before so I know what to expect. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that nothing will be found. I know I have two fibroids that did not pose a problem previously. I just hope they have grown into the size of grapefruits. My hope is that all is well and I can move onto IVF #3 in March.

Oh the joy!!!! I can't wait to down a few Hurricanes!!!!!

NEXT STEP DECIDED!

2008-01-14T13:01:00.000-05:00

We are taking a vacation!!!!! Mr. G and I will be headed down to New Orleans in February. It will be my first time. We will just miss Mardi Gras but, as my hubby explains, "it always a party in New Orleans"!

I was so devastated after my last failed attempt at getting pregnant. It was one part another failure, one part holiday blues and two parts hormones!!! My brain just reacts horribly when I stop the hormones. I am sooo expecting post-pardum depression when I finally give birth to my baby. IF sucks!!!

Mr. G was ready to roll right into another cycle. A week ago, I couldn't imagine doing another one ever. I was in so much pain. Not the physical kind, the emotional kind. I just didn't know if I would ever feel good again. And, here I am excited about my upcoming trip. I hate that I am delaying the resolution of my treatments because I could conceive on my next try. I just need a moment to feel sort of like my old self again. I need to feel as whole as I can right now. I NEED SOME FUN!!. Mr. G did not understand at first but, he could clearly tell I was hurting. So, Mr. Fix-It came to the rescue and planned us a trip.

Also, I have dug myself into a hole at work and need to pull myself out of it quick. It is so difficult to concentrate on anything except my fertility. Not a good place to be. I woke up in a sweat the other night worrying about everything I need to do to keep my job. The next six months are going to be insane. I really have to start focusing or I will risk getting reprimanded or fired. Thankfully, my boss has been so compassionate with my IF plight so far. (His BFF had suffered IF and eventually adopted from Russia). I would love to be able to quit work and focus on the last of my treatments. But, at the same time having a job to go to five days a week has helped me to stay sane.

Ya 'no, what's a working girl to do???!!!!!

BFN

2008-01-01T08:41:00.000-05:00

Not surprising but, still devastating. I feel so wounded. My moods are swinging very widely. I am crushed one moment and then hopeful the next. Thus, the roller coaster effect of the illness. I am thankful that I have even the slightest bit of hope left.

I have to clear up something. My BETA day was yesterday the 31st. I typed my post in the very early morning hours of the same morning since I could not sleep. The post was incorrectly dated for the 30th. My husband found a Blogger book for me at the library yesterday so maybe I will at least know a little something about what I am doing. LOL.

Back to IF, I am not sure what the next step will be. I stopped the hormones yesterday so my head will start to clear up. It is always better to take a break before making a big decision. Yesterday while in a moment of despair, my hubbie did point out that we have options. I can use my frozen embies. I could do my last fresh cycle. Or, I can stop treatments completely.

While visiting my sister in VT the subject of me trying to get pregnant came up over dinner. My 11 year old adopted niece said, "why don't you just adopt"????? She told me I could do most of the process on the internet. She is such an great kid and so smart. I told her Mr. G and I are considering it and they we would be proud to love a girl just like her. She gave me a huge smile!!! So much to consider.

I read that a secret to being a happy person is to surround yourself with people who tell you you're happy. Sometimes we need to be reminded which is exactly why I started blogging. Most of my family and most of my friends do not understand what I am going through. They offer the well intentioned assvice of "just get over it", "stop obsessing", and the best line "just relax and it will happen"!!! We have all heard this nonsense many times.

I wish I had a positive outcome to share with all of you. I always like to hear of other women getting pregnant because it gives me great hope. It just isn't my time yet. I especially appreciated yodamistress and Lori who reminded me that I am not an angry bitter sourpuss after all!!!

I wish a happy and healthy journey to resolution to all infertiles for 2008!!!

BETA Day

2007-12-30T08:20:00.000-05:00

Thank you for all of your great posts. Mr. G and I decided to go to Vermont the day after Christmas so I have been MIA. My sister K and her family live up there. We usually visit often but, this year has been hard. We had our IF treatments and my BIL has had cancer radiation treatments. He is finished now and feeling tremendously better. Hopefully it worked. He had prostate cancer over ten years ago. Apparently, during the removal there may have been some left behind and the cancer may have come back. It has been hard for my sister but, we helped each other cope.

Now I have alot of catching up to do. I want to know how everyone survived the holidays. I thought I did ok until yesterday. We went to my husband's aunt's birthday party. It was the first time in a very long time I had to sit with my eSIL and her babies. I have to say the kids are beautiful. But, oh how I hate that bitch. It tore me up inside to see her being the mom I want to be. I wish I could say she was overwhelmed by having two under 16 months but, not true. She seemed in control and very happy. I had to fight so hard to keep the tears from flowing. My husband wonders why I am so tired all the time. Grief is very hard on a gal. Then add a sprinkle of hormones and you get a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I cried my eyes out most of the night. When I look in the mirror all I can see is a bitter angry woman staring back at me. Who or what have I become??????

I haven't been like this the whole three and a half years of trying. Just the past few months. Right around the time I miscarried and started blogging. At my core, I am not the whiney sourpuss this blog exposes me for. I am just having a normal response to a horrible illness. (At least that's what my therapist says)!

In a few hours I will have my BETA checked. I wish I could say one way or the other how I feel. My doctor put me on evil progesterone and estrogen the night of my last post and has since doubled the dose. Of course, I have lots of pregnancy symptoms because of the progesterone. If I had to guess, I would say that I am not pregnant.

Last night, I told my husband that I cannot do this anymore. I cannot take the treatments. I cannot sit through a family dinner and feel shame that I cannot bear a child. I had hoped resolution meant having a baby through IVF. The surprise IUI screwed up my schedule. After all my crying and fits of anger, I realized it might be time to move on. I just don't know what that next step will be. I once thought I did but, my confidence is at an all time low. I am not sure I would pass a home study at this point. I think I just need some rest so I can make decisions with some clarity.

There is a very small part of me that hopes I will regret writing all of the above when I get a BFP later. I will know soon enough!!!!

5DPIUI

2007-12-20T17:27:00.000-05:00

And, not a symptom in sight! I went for blood work today to check hormone levels. I will not return to the doctor until 12/31 for my BETA. I am contemplating waiting until 1/2/08, to avoid getting bad news over New Year's. I'll decide that morning. I am assuming I will know if I am pregnant anyway since I was pregnant several months ago.

I am just happy that my Christmas won't be spoiled. I will be able to get through the holiday by hoping there is life growing inside me. The one shining light this Christmas is that I will not be spending it with my eSIL and BIL. I am sooo relieved. I will, however, have to spend three consecutive Sundays with them immediately following including the Christening of their second child. I just can't believe she conceived so easily two times. I really would like to say that she doesn't deserve her good fortune but, that wouldn't be keeping in the holiday spirit. I'll just bite my tongue.

I use to love Christmas. And, maybe one day I will again. But for now -

BAH HUMBUG!!!

Transfer Completed

2007-12-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, we completed our surprise IUI. Mr. G and I bombarded the doctor with questions about when we could do the next IVF. The doctor told us to give this a chance to work first. I said it probably wouldn't work and I didn't want to waste anymore time. He looked at my husband and said, "So much for being optimistic!" So I told him I was well aware that we only had a 10-14% chance with the IUI and at least we could be prepared for the next step. Hello...I was just being realistic!!!! There is a huge difference between pessimism and realism. The truth about ART is that it only helps a third of the people seeking a baby. My doctor has his family already and I am still seeking mine!!!

I have to say he wasn't being a jerk just very lighthearted. Several things happened during this IVF cycle that I didn't like which may have had zero impact on the results. The cycle could have gone perfectly and still resulted in an IUI. This is alot of crap so you may or may not what to read it all. I just need to vent!!!

I have a tendancy to be a perfectionist in certain aspects of my life. I expect people to do their jobs properly. When we met with the doctor in September he told us we could start a fresh or frozen cycle three weeks after day one of AF. I checked with my old notes and that was incorrect. I would start the pill a few days after AF arrives not three weeks. I called the head nurse on day one of my period to let her know the fresh cycle was begining. She called in the perscription for the pill and my cycle began. Ten days later we went to the office to sign the consent forms with the head nurse. She asks us if we are doing a fresh or frozen cycle. Well...if I am signing consent forms for IVF it must mean I am doing a fresh cycle! Then she tells us we may not make the cut off for the lab since it is closing at Xmas for cleaning. I remained calm while she made a call. I really don't know why she didn't have this information when I started the pill ten days earlier. So, the lab said it was ok if I got my period by 12/5. She had me stop the pill two days earlier than expected. I wasn't happy but, not yet concerned.

Then AF arrives again and I go for blood and sono. The head nurse calls later in the day with my protocol and she asks me again if I am doing a fresh or frozen cycle. I told her that she was told a few times including IRL that I was doing a fresh cycle. She told me the doctor was arguing with her that we were doing a frozen cycle. But, she already had me on the pill for 2 1/2 weeks for a fresh cycle!!! What's the confusion???!!!

I start stiming and was told to do my next sono on that Sunday. That was all I was told. In the waiting room I overheard another woman tell her husband, "I was suppose to go for blood yesterday." This puts me on alert since I wasn't told anything about bloodwork. Sure enough my doctor asked me if I went for blood the day before. I told him I wasn't told to do so. He said it wasn't a big deal. He then gave me instructions to add the Cetrotide shot two days later. I checked my notes from the other cycles and that was two days later then previously. My doctor said it had no effect but, I have to wonder since this cycle wasn't like the other two. So, yadda yadda yadda my cycle is converted to an IUI. We are told to meet the doctor at 9am yesterday and bring the specimen with us. I asked her if it was possible to do it at the office and she said no.

Yesterday, we see the doctor and he says do you have the specimen or do you need a room? Gee...I was told Mr. G couldn't do it here. The doctor said it wasn't a big deal. But, you see it was a big deal for me. I am dealing with male factor infertility so the less time the sperm spends outside the lab the better.

The doctor sends us off for breakfast for the next hour. When we are finally led into the room, I ask the head nurse to use the bathroom and she said, "No, didn't anyone tell you that you need to have a full bladder?" Ummm...if by anyone do you mean you?!!!! No, I wasn't told!!! "Oh, it won't make or break the cycle but, it is better if you wait to use the bathroom!" So she shuts the door so I can undress and I start freaking out with my husband. I mean seriously, there were far too many mistakes this cycle. Any yes, the results may have been the same but, I will not know. I do not expect a specialists office to make so many errors. I felt it was necessary to discuss these issues with the doctor. Mr. G however felt it wasn't the proper time. Of course, I should say that like most men Mr. G doesn't like to make waves.

I am not a drama queen. I just expect a certain level of professionalism from the doctor and his staff. After much arguing with hubby, I agreed not to discuss the problems with the doctor during the IUI. I did ask the doctor why he thought the cycle wasn't good. He said he often continues with the IVF in other patients and does have positive results. He just felt I could do better. I really do appreciate that but, I have to wonder if he was aware of all of the problems.

I told him and his nurse that since I will only being doing one more fresh cycle, I expect it to be done under the most ideal circumstances. They just laughed but, you can be sure I will not hold back the next time!!!

Phew...I just had to get this off my chest!!!!

The Verdict is in!

2007-12-13T17:36:00.000-05:00

IUI it is! I just did not have enough mature follicles. Boo!!
There is no point in wasting my last insured cycle. It will take place on Sunday morning.

Oh well...I knew I was feeling too good!!!

Thanks for all your good comments!

Quick Update

2007-12-13T09:24:00.000-05:00

I went for blood and sono this morning. I now have three follies on the right and four on the left. The leader on the right measures 1.87 cm and now there is one on the left that measures 1.60 cm. I will know much later today what it means for my cycle. Until then I will just keep hopin' and wishin'...

Potential Bad News

2007-12-11T17:50:00.000-05:00

My cycle may be canceled. I have a lead follicle. If the others don't catch up by Thursday, the cycle will be canceled or converted to an IUI. It is just so frustrating. Oh well, I won't worry until Thursday!!!

I'm Still Standing...

2007-12-10T11:31:00.000-05:00

better than I've ever been...!!!!

Hmmmm...I am feeling pretty damn good!!! This cycle is so different from my last cycle. The biggest difference between the two is the supplement DHEA. I am not taking it this cycle. I refused. My doctor suggests it for "poor responders" over a certain age. I just don't think I am a poor responder. During my first cycle, I produced eight eggs and seven fertilized. We tranferred five on day three. I did not get pregnant. It was the first time I had taken hormones (my IUI's were natural). I had 10 eggs on my second cycle and all ten fertiltized. Yes, I had more eggs but, I was also on the maximum amount of drugs my doctor prescribes. It made perfect sense that I would have more eggs the second cycle.

I also don't believe more is better. I want quality not quantity. I will find out soon enough how I am doing this time around. I had a sono yesterday and had two follies. I purposely did not ask the doctor any information about sizes. I would just obsess over my progress and there is absolutely nothing I can do except stick to my protocol. I will probably undergo retrieval the 17th or 18th. I am adding a shot of Cetrotide tomorrow morning and will do blood and sono. I don't expect anymore drug changes at this point.

I should explain the difference between my IVF #2 and #3. During my last cycle, I had a fuzzy brain at the end of the BCP portion which rolled right into seriously bad PMS. I hated everyone including hubby and wanted to walk up to strangers and just smack them in their heads for no reason. So not like me!!! Thankfully, I still had some clarity and kept my hands to myself. I am not talking about my usual bad couple of days around my period when I might snap at few people. This was really weird. I was very agressive and complusive. My heart was constantly racing and I had two major panic attacks.

This cycle I am walking around with little birds singing around my head. No one is annoying me. I went Christmas shopping yesterday with Mr. G and enjoyed myself. Of course, Mz. Bitter does pop into my head every now and then with her nasty little thoughts. But, WOW...I feel...somewhat...normal! Ahhhh...maybe I shouldn't be writing this!!! I don't want to jinx myself. But, although I am feeling really good, I do worry that nothing is happening down there. I mean this is IVF, I should feel like a bulldozer plowed over me. I am not suppose to feel good!!! Or, maybe I should...

IVF #2 taught me to not be a guinea pig. The DHEA study is very small and not proven. If you are going to take it make sure it is perscription grade. Doctors in other fields who prescribe it do so at smaller doses and monitor the effects it has on your body. DHEA is the mother of all hormones and will produce or tell your body to produce hormones such as estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. I am not a medical professional. I have no way of proving that DHEA caused any problems in my mind and body. BUT, intuitively I believe it did. I would never tell anyone to not take it. I could be talking out of my arse and maybe this is the answer to our infertile prayers!

With that being noted, if this one supplement makes or breaks my cycle then so be it! I will live with my decision.

The Journey So Far

2007-12-05T12:55:00.000-05:00

Last cycle, at this time I was in the midst of a huge meltdown. I was ready to start stiming and had spent the night lying awake in sheer panic. The only thing that calmed me down was the decision to cancel the cycle and go to Paris. I was very depressed over IF and didn't want to get pregnant while feeling so negative. I immediately calmed down and was able to sleep for a few hours.

I woke Mr. G up early and told him the news. Up until that point, everything related to pregnancy and treatment was up to me. He is very easygoing and laid back (much like his sperm). Mr. G flat out told me "NO"!!! Ummm...excuse me? He said, "You are going to finish what you started"! Hey pod man, what did you do with my real husband???? You know the one that always agrees with me! Mr. G's belief was I was never going to be happy during a cycle so I would just have to plow through. Move forward. I wasn't getting any younger and it would only get harder. In the end I agreed but, I still needed to work through my anxiety.

I headed off to my weekly acupuncture appointment. I told the doctor that I was really nervous. Well, she must have thought I said "feeling bored and lethargic". OMG...when she was done my whole body was shaking. I planned to have dinner guests over that night. Thankfully, it was my Mom, ILs, Aunt, Uncle and cousins. Everyone knew we would be doing a cycle. I was freaking out but, I did not want to cancel the dinner.

As each guest arrived I told them that I was having alot of anxiety about starting the drugs and I may need to excuse myself to lay down. Everyone understood and the night went off without any problems.

Of course, I had one more major meltdown before the retrieval. I kept obsessing over being an anxious depressed pregnant woman. How could such a mess of a woman carry life inside her? What was I going to do??? The only thing that got me through was reading 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway'. It is so not related to IVF but, it helped me. And, of course the cycle did result in a BFP but, with an extra chromosome #22!!! Not good.

My journey to conceive began in July 2004, as soon as I got married. I started getting anxiety attacks about five months later. I thought for sure I would not have a problem. My Mom had five children and her mother had eight. No one in my immediate and extended families had fertility issues (that I knew of anyway).

We spent the next year with my gyn and discovered my husband's sperm issues. He underwent a varicocele surgery. We found out a couple of our friends had it and had no problem getting pregnant afterwards. Ok...so what happened to us? I did two rounds of Clomid with gyn and again found out about a few people who got pregnant on Clomid. Ok...so what happened to us? Off to the RE for two IUI's. Ah...this was finally going to be the answer to our prayers because it helped so and so and so and so. Ok...you know what happpened - nada.

Out of sheer disgust with a nasty RE we took a break in the summer and fall of 2006. Finally, through a co-worker of Mr. G's, we found a wonderful doctor in January 2007. What a dear dear man! He immediately said we should move right into IVF with ICSI. And, thus began the craziest 10 months of my life. The highs and lows were unlike anything I have ever experienced.

My life hasn't been easy but, I worked my way through. I moved forward. I was never anxious or mildly depressed. If I was feeling blue I would dance and sing my way out of it. I would meet up with a friend and laugh my ass off. And, now here I am stuck in this nightmare called IF. Sometimes, I feel like I am made of fragile glass that could shatter at any moment.

This will probably be my last IVF. I say probably because who knows what my body will tell me. (My mind left me last April so now I am on auto-pilot). When Mr. G and I started with these treatments we both agreed we needed an end point. We couldn't let it go on and on. I am too exhausted and damaged. I need rest. Our end point is three IVF's and any frozen transfers.

So here I am nearing the finale wondering where my baby is. I mean IVF was the answer - right?!!!

LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!

2007-12-04T13:44:00.000-05:00

CD1 - shots begin tomorrow night!!!! My protocol is like the last one:

525 GonalF
3 powders of Menopur

I will work up to four powders at some point. My first sono will be on Sunday. This cycle is being fast tracked because the lab is closing at Xmas. I was suppose to stop the pill on 12/2 but, was pushed up to 11/30. Thankfully my body cooperated and AF arrived right on time. Otherwise, my cycle may have been canceled. The procedures should be the week of the 17th.

I guess I should get all my holiday shopping done this weekend because I will be a lunatic the following. These hormones make me crazy!!!

But Here's the Good Part...

2007-11-28T13:41:00.000-05:00

I was able to spend two days with my favorite aunt who has cancer. She is my second mother. I am praying that she will be around for several more years but, she has a rare melenoma and is on her third tumor. My mom is ten years older than she and has been starting the show her age. She is extremely forgetful and has horrible arthritis. My mom hasn't been able to help me through this life crisis. But, my mom has never dealt well with hard issues. Her way of dealing is to pretend it isn't happening and hopefully it will just resolve itself. My aunt on the other hand heads straight into the fire. Consequently, people think my mother is the lovely one and my aunt the crazy one. My aunt has been the only family member that's gets me. Her crisis is different but, it illicits the same emotional response and requires the same coping techniques. She always asks me how I am and what's my next step. The day she found out about her third tumor was the day I miscarried. She was more concerned about me than herself. And, I was more concerned about her. That's what families do for each other. Or, that's what they are suppose to do for each other. I realize though that I can't expect people to handle more than they are capable of handling. Looking back over my life, I probably often ignored other peoples pain because I didn't get it for whatever reason. I am certainly a more compassionate person because of IF. Although, I wonder if I really needed to learn this lesson this way.

Not So Thankful Thanksgiving!!!

2007-11-27T16:38:00.000-05:00

I had good times and bad times this holiday. By the end of Thanksgiving day, I figured out that the majority of my whole family knows I had a miscarriage. Of course, I told my immediate family and then some when it happened. I knew the news would travel by word of mouth. Do you think anyone would take the time to acknowledge my loss???? I am talking about aunts, uncles and cousins!!!! People who have known me all my life and see often. Do you think one of them could have said something kind to me??? It bothers me so much that people have such a difficult time acknowledging loss and suffering. Isn't that what life is about? We all experience it. Unfortunately, some more than others but, it all evens out in the end. For the brief period I was pregnant my telephone would not stop ringing. Everyone on both sides wanted to know how I was doing. They never called when I was infertile and they haven't called since my loss. I am feeling so angry and bitter. And, I am afraid that those feelings will not go away. I just can't control my emotions now. Of course, it has alot to do with my jealousy over my evil SIL's second birth. I have been avoiding lots of family dinners with my IL's because of all the babies. This year, Mr. G and I are to celebrate Xmas with them. I am praying that evil SIL is scheduled to be with her family this year. I can deal with my other SIL and her children. She experienced IF, IVF and miscarriage so she gets me. So far, I have been doing what I need to do for me but, it is creating tension in Mr. G's family. At Xmas, I expect to be in my TWW. That's a crazy time normally now add the baby tension. I keep expecting to awaken from this nightmare but, it is going on and on and on...

I'M AN AUNT...AGAIN:-(

2007-11-15T10:36:00.000-05:00

Well, my evil SIL had her second baby last night. Her first was conceived right after her wedding and this one just a few months after the birth of the first. Some gals have all the luck. I hate her!!! I guess the annoucement of her third pregnancy will come any day now. Yes, I am very bitter. The only upside is she had another boy. She just knew she was having a girl. A "witch" told her so. No lie. Why ask the doctor when a "witch" will tell you?!

I would love to be happy for her but, she is sooo unpleasant and nasty. She had seen me the day before my micarriage and never congratulated me on my pregnancy. So, of course, she has never acknowledged the loss. It will be fun to sit back and watch her handle two babies. She and BIL have not been able to figure out how to handle the first one yet. It will be interesting but, really sad for Mr. G and me. My husband's family now has four babies under 4 years old from two siblings. All boys!

Anyway, I officially started my third IVF cycle. I am just in the BCP phase. Last night was my second night. I was very anxious and queasy and went to bed early. I am sure it is just my nerves. There is a big part of me that does not want to do this cycle. But, there is a bigger part of me that wants to be a mom. This is my only shot. After finding out we have MF and old eggs, Mr. G and I decided we would do three IVFs and any FETs. Of course, we could always do more IVFs but, I have to move past treatments at some point. I believe it is healthy to have an end point. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I have four on ice and hopefully a few more after this cycle.

Mr. G and I have looked into adoption and we will again. I would just need to rest a bit and mourn the loss of my genetic child. I was blindsided by IF and then miscarriage. I have never felt the depth of grief that I have this year. I have lost loved ones and felt saddness. But, I had memories and photos to help me through. What do I have to mourn the loss of my child???

I have to remind myself to live in the now. I can't go into this cycle worrying about failure. I have to deal with each day as it comes. I can't control the future. It will be what it will be. I always ask myself during a cycle - If you are sure it is going to fail, why be sooo nervous??????? Just get it over with!!!

SHEEEE'SSSS HEEERE!!!

2007-11-12T11:32:00.000-05:00

AF has finally arrived! Woo-who!!! I get to start my third IVF - isn't that awesome?!?!?! I get to take hormones that make me a raging anxious bitch. I am just sooo happy. Good times!

I am waiting to hear from my RE to confirm my protocol. I expect to start the pill tonight for three weeks and then onto stims. Just in time for the holidays. I am so fearful of a BFN. But of course, if I get a BFP, it truly will be a great Xmas. Getting pregnant would be the greatest gift ever.

Unfortunately, I don't know if Santa really knows just how good I have been this year. I mean, hello...check your fucking list dude!!!! I deserve this!!!!

T's Wedding

2007-11-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

My cousin looked gorgeous and the reception was awesome. It was very extravagant and over the top. I was sooo exhausted the next day and I had my women's group after work. I didn't think I would make it through the day but, I did.

One of the gals in the group accepted a donor last week. During her nearly six month wait she often wondered if she was taking the right route to resolve her IF. She was so happy to make her announcement and wished she had more people to tell. (Unfortunately, so many of us have very few people to talk to). We also said good-bye to two women. Both are pregnant for over 10 weeks. One through her fourth IVF and the other through ED. I really hope they are successful. We had to say good-bye because this is an IF group. It is sad but, they are in a different place now.

Anyway, back to my cousin. She looked so happy on her big day. She reminds me alot of myself. I couldn't help but pray that she does not have a problem getting pregnant. I would not wish IF on my worst enemy. But, if she has a problem at least I will be able to help her cope.

TGIF

2007-11-02T13:10:00.000-04:00

Thank you ladies for your kind words and support. You are the reason I started this blog. :-)

I am soooo happy today is Friday. This weekend my cousin is getting married. I am very happy for her. Her previous boyfriends were duds and this one seems to be a keeper. They have planned a major shindig in New Jersey. The only down side is that it is Sunday night. Yikes - a school night!!! It is going to be hard keeping my eyes open past 10pm. Oh...and missing Desperate Housewives. I really feel like the show is setting up Teri Hatcher's character for a miscarriage. I mentioned that to my husband and he told me to stop watching.

Most of this year I have been having to filter what I watch, read or listen to. It actually started with 9/11 and then Katrina. You see, I am a very sensitive girl. The less I know the better, usually. There is the other side of me that needs to know everything especially about my infertility. I currently have seven books on my nightstand related to miscarriage. And, tons more on infertility and coping. I have a tote bag in my closet stuffed with information I have collected on adoption.

I am an involuntary expert. I did NOT have dreams of becoming a professional infertile as a little girl!!!

Aunt Flo's Plane is Late!

2007-10-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

I have been waiting at the gate for her and she's late!!! Urrrgghhh. Last cycle, I decided I needed another month to rest before starting on my third and final ivf. And, now, my period is late!!! I can't catch a break. Not that I am looking forward to doing another ivf. I would rather 1000 needles in my eye if it would get me pregnant. Anyway, I am drowning my sorrows in cheap candy!!! Happy Halloween Y'all!!!

Big Girls Don't Cry

2007-10-26T12:50:00.000-04:00

Unless they are infertile. Then they cry and cry and cry until they think they have no more tears to shed. And, then they cry some more. It has been ten weeks and two days since my D&C. It was Mr. G's and mine first pregancy after three years of trying, two iui's and two ivf's. The baby stopped developing sometime in the eighth week.

I recall the day clearly although I have finally stopped reliving it on a daily basis. I just continue to feel empty inside. I feel myself smiling and laughing again but, it is not with the same zest as before. I feel like I am wearing a mask. I lost 40lbs this year and people keep telling me how good I look. I find it funny because I feel so far from good. I am the complete opposite.

IF has literally sucked the life out of me. I am not completely hopeless right now. That was earlier this year when I failed my first ivf. I think it is terrible that dr's don't ween you off of progesterone when you get a BFN. Anyway, that darkness was brief and I was able to move onto my second procedure.

I am hoping this blog will bring me some peace and connection with others with similar experiences. IF is very isolating. I no longer relate to my friends with children or my single friends still looking for Mr. Right. I am in the in-between land trying to add a little one to my family and trying not to lose my mind during the journey!!!